We go through life with our name.
It was given to us for whatever reason at the moment.
Was it an uncle or aunt’s name?
Or was a continuation of the same name over generations,
Or worse yet, the current fad of outlandish names?

We know that the name was special at the time given,
So they should live up to it, shouldn’t they?
They know we treasured it when we gave it to them,
But do they know why?

Do the names match their personailities now that they
Have had it a while?
Some wish to modify their names now.
They wish for one more personal,
One that they feel better reflects their self-concept.

Who should we be to complain?
Do we really feel comfortable with our names?
How many live behind nicknames that our not ours,
Or use only their last name as an identifier?

So in choosing what are we to use as the criteria?
Is it a strong name we seek,
Or is it a name to fit an era?
Does it imply more about the parent of the child?
Have we given them a legend to live up to that is larger
Then what they are capable of becoming?

We as parents have spent hours and days just on this subject.
We looked for the special name for that very special new person.
The book companies have made money over this specialty area.
But they have given us a place to look at name origins
And strengths associated with the one named.

Did we look down the years ahead of us before picking the final
Variation of the name?
I hope we did.
It is an important task.
One that says a lot in one simple sentence.
My name is_____________.

Update on life
Things are going well in life. We see ourselves as being motivated and improving ourselves in ways we never felt could happen. Changes that are going around us only strengthen our resolve to continue on our path. Some of the changes may not be what we are looking for and as such we are constantly trying to fit it into our way of thinking and personal ethos. Who we are hasn't changed but our professional persona probably has and in many cases not to our liking. Those of us who fight the battle of stress find it hard to fit into the new paradigm, but we try by beating ourselves up to fit the box.

The good things that we are looking for are still there though they seem a bit further away at times. The vacation time that we wished were longer and more restful is now only a memory. Was it only a week ago that it happened or was it longer then that? We can't seem to remember that time off. It must have been good, the memories are still there, so it must have occurred.

We see the light and it is bright and inviting. It is not a figment of our imagination but a real thing. Let us continue our travels of new experiences and friendships and not forget from whence we came.

You say I am salvageable
You say I am salvageable.

Not sure how you are using that term.
Am I broken?
Need repair?
An easy touch? Hmmmm.

It is not me that is in trouble in their life.
You have told all of us that you can solve the problems that you created,
Then, you make the demand of us to "fix you".

And the fixing is costly,
As you do not desire to work for it,
You only want the cash.
But you don’t see that or even hear yourself say it.

We have given you what you desired,
Based on what you wrote to us.
Freedom to screw up,
The freedom to destroy yourself,
The freedom to get lost.

How did we hurt you?
You said you wanted this.
You said it was preferable to our advice and offers of help. You said your girlfriend would follow you,
To live under the bridge if life took you there.
You have arrived, has she?

Where are you now!
Should I worry?
Better yet, do you want me to?

Brotherly Love, Relief and Truth were presented to you and you sent it back,
As hate. Broken in many pieces.

The offers were genuine,
Given freely,
With no real or perceieved agenda even involved.

And then there was the truth aspect,
A request/demand for admission on your part
To the secret we all knew you held and thought hidden.
A desire from us, for you to improve yourself with healthy change.
You took it as attacks on your lifestyle.

Are you hurting yet?
Do you miss those who you have thrown away?
Are you where you really need to be?
If not, then you have a ways to go yet.

The Patio
The Patio

A patio is a wonderment. A place to sit and reflect,
A time to unwind and a time to dream.
A private and personal space that is special.

If a public place. a time to appreciate others as one sits and ponders their surroundings.
To see others, male and female, and be awed by their auras,
Their mystery and their respected beauty.

A place we go to in our minds and hearts to heal.
To set the soul free and to add a healthy dose of self respect.
A simple patio is an experience.


The father is the creator of the new life.
The first man a young girl loves,
And is the first she lets go of.
He teaches what it is to be a good man to the son,
And gives insight as to what the daughter should
Look for in the potential spouse.
He shows the strengths and promise of life well lived.

The mother is the bearer of the new life.
She is the first woman a man loves and will never let go of.
The teacher of the heart and soul to her children,
And strength of the family they came from.
She bears the tears and pain in quietude that life has brought
And gives us the beauty of inner peace.

The single parent is caught in trying to bring the strengths,
To an “incomplete” family, of both sides of the parent equation.
But the strengths of the individual compensates for the loss, if done right.
To see that which is needed and when is of import to the parent,
Is it real, or necessary, or a splurge to give what the child wants?
Or, is it the promise of what could be.
The single parent has their weaknesses but the love they possess out lasts the mistakes made.

Missing the words
I seem to be missing the words.
The emotions are there, but the words fail me.
I want to be released from feeling this way,
But I am unsure of the process.

Is it simpler to ignore it and hope for it to leave?
Is it more meaningful attempt understanding it?
Or is it my time to feel remorse and further the conflict?
But I digress from the meaning.

I am at a loss because to say what I mean requires words.
And I am failing at finding the ones that need to be said, to
The one that needs to hear it.
Or am I the one who needs to hear it and rethink what has occurred?

I have done what I considered the right thing to do.
It has been reaffirmed to me that I took the correct action.
My stress level is lower.
What have I done?

I want to run away
The ad is "Calgon, take me away!"

I just wish that I could enjoy myself more. Find that person who can be there for me and I for them. I need to find them but it requires I go out more and talk to people I don't know. I talk to people daily that I don't know but this would be different. I would lead to revelations of myself to another. I am afraid to do that.

I also feel like a failure right now on so many levels. I know I have hurt Rudy so much by not allowing him to stay with me. On the other hand, I don't feel comfortable with him here. Even when I am here with him it is uncomfortable. I feel that he is looking for stuff to take and possibly sell. I hurts that it has seemed to happen before. I look for stuff that is mine and I can't find it. I noticed it when he was here just prior to me looking for the objects in question. It is not the only thing that bothers me. It is his promises to pay me back and then the lies as to why he can't. And they are lies. His ambivalence towards any recommendations to get work, to help him on a personal level, options to make his life easier go unanswered or violently rejected. Sad.

Amanda is the super positive force that has narrow lines of thought regarding black, white and gray areas of life. Not being a parent, she doesn't understand all the nuances of balance it has taken to deal with their individual personalities. It becomes more apparent when she misunderstands that the friction that is between us is caused by her anger towards her brother. Did I change my mind about dealing with him? Yes! But a parent needs to know that the decision they make is the correct one for the time and I needed to reassure myself that it was the right one at the time.

So I now have two people pissed off and yet my blood pressure is lower then it was before this mess. Maybe I have tried too hard.

Hmmmm. Need to think that over some more.

I sit here...
I sit here and wonder if growing up was easier then or harder as it seems now.
Is it just that the times are no longer as laid back or is it that I have grown older?
Too much of whatever seems to cause us to be less of a person and not enough makes us inhuman.
Is it that I have taken in too much and then again not enough of the good times or was it the bad times,
I forget or have I decided it was easier in the long run to forget.

Too much has gone before my vision, some good things, some bad. Learning from both and hoping to remember.
Did I worry more then or now? If then, then how I feel now was scripted into my self image.
If it is now, then I learned it as a mode of preservation.

Did I train my children with these ideas or did they learn by watching me. I feel that they did but on two
different levels. The love of life or the drudgery of day to day living. The ability to persevere and move forward, or to fall back and build a wall to protect the self. One seems to have taken the high road, the other the low road, hopefully they will reconnect with the other.

I ramble as I am at a loss, not for the words but rather for the feelings that I need to express. I am drained but I am alive. I am tired but not in the physical sense. Drama plays its ugly head and I am immediately looking for a place in my mind to hide. I read the fantasy and the fantastical, the history and romance, and I read the daily lies of leadership, which is also fantasy.

I hold many things special but I fail at learning how to let the bad go. My memories are my own, my abilities are what I have made of myself, my life is not over but I am not old nor am I young, I just am. I am as smart as most people and just as unsure of a subject as the next person. But, why then do I continue to research life if it is so hard? Is it a just because or a why not?

I will begin to know when I can see the end, but the end is far away and the light is still burning an even glow. It has been years since when I had only seen the glimmer of the light, now it is brighter and the view is lighter. I seem to be able to read the instructions now, but they are so simple, it can't be that easy, but it is.

Life is a journey. Enjoy. Love. Be aware. Care.
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As I go along my merry way through life I am always surprised by the people that I meet or randomly see on a daily basis.This could be in the realm of the store I work with or even in casual occasions. I have thought about how one would go about writing about these people and not be torn apart in legal ramifications as you know that people will assume it is themselves being described though their names are not being given or any explicit physical description would be given either.

Being in retail you find a lot of interesting stories to tell. Some of the stories I know about were while being a customer and are just as funny. Then you have the customer that you would just love to wring their neck for the pure joy of doing it to them as they insist that they can be obnoxious and you have to take it all in.

We had a customer who used to come in who would always wait until the line was so long and and all the clerks were all busy to walk up and demand shredded deli meat to be done for them in large quantities. But she made sure to wait until then and would tell her kids that they (clerks) had to do as it was their job or else.

Then their is the customer who orders birthday cakes at least six times per year and yet she always finds fault with them. As she is a "good" customer they always give her a discount. The last go round that I know of she complained that the colors on the actual cake were not exactly the same color as on the picture of the cake decorations she chose. It was explained that the photo used for a description used plastic for the colors versus food coloring. She still got it for a discount.

I remember the customer in a restaurant who wrote an article to the local newspaper telling the readers that the servers were aliens from outer space and that they were trying to cause him problems. He was also the one the slurped up his vomit in the same restaurant. He had been injured in Vietnam and ended up with a few different personalities.

Or the customer that got upset in a cafe because he was a Republican and the owner of the Cafe was a Democrat. He got ticked off because Fox News wasn't on. So he ate one bite of his meal and paid saying he wouldn't be back. Nobody asked him to get into any conversations about politics. Everyone who was there left him alone to eat. And yet he threw the tantrum.

Then there is the regular coffee drinker who would come in and offer offensive remarks about African-Americans in general and Obama in particular. One day he had his enlightenment after opening mouth and inserting his foot dramatically. He didn't notice the grandmother with her grandchildren around the corner, so he was spitting out his vitriol about Black and using any word that was a negative descriptor. The grandmother got up and proceeded to chew him up and down and sideways. The grandchildren were Black. His best friend was sitting next to him ignoring the whole story and kept looking ahead. When asked why he didn't help his friend his reply was classic. "Because he needed to learn to shut his mouth".

It isn't just these stories but also work itself that is becoming a comedy act in and of itself. Take the idea that we are supposed to be hos[ital clean. Nice concept except that in hospitals have a regular crew that carries out that function. Also that a hospital controls who can come into the building whereas a grocery story cannot. Add to this the problem of not understanding what they are reading in relation to new state laws it is providing for some maximum laughter on the guy at the bottom of the wrung. Example: A soap bottle that is empty is now considered to be haz-mat because soap is a chemical. So now the bottle has to be cleaned out, cut in half, and then thoroughly dried so it can be tossed out in the trash.

When I was working restaurants, I had this customer that would come in and order Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs every night. Took forever each time to get it right. Finally sat down and asked him what he actually wanted done to make the order correct one night. Seems he wanted his eggs over extremely light, chicken fried steak cooked, punctured and recooked, hash browns deep fried to a total crisp with his toast almost burnt with not butter.

These are just some of the possible stories out there that could be told. Wonder if it would sell??????

We are sitting together all the time it seems. Sometimes it is pleasant, entertaining and wonderful. Other times one wonders how We ever got along to begin with. It is always some what of a challenge, both welcomed and not so much so, as each day comes before us.

When We go out, is it is based on what We are doing that day? Are We thinking along the same lines or are We thinking independently as we pursue our work? When We are with friends, do we together decide if it is to be a great conversation or to be mundane, boring or even quiet? Will We decide to eat in or eat out and if out will it be with others or are We going to be with just ourselves?

When one is angry why is it always feeling that We are always at odds with the other? We are so much alike and yet We are so different in our make-up. Our opposites attract as well as distract each other and yet We are so blended that We seem to be one instead of many.

We act as a team for when one hurts the other helps and makes us safe. When one is protective the other is aiding. When one is sad the other is consoling and healing. When one is loving the other is receiving and returning. We are each others friend and confidant. We can also hurt each other without wanting to recognize it until the pain is too high.

We are so much to you that We can't find the line that separates us. And yet We sometimes wish for that distance, to be alone and to have the quiet that is so often dreamed about and seldom found in our relationship.

We are not many but We act as one when in harmony. We worry about our frustrations, dislikes and missed opportunities. We care about those We love. We are enlightened by great conversations and opportunities to expand our knowledge. We seem to be emotional at the same time we are also happy, sad, irate and "normal". (We always wondered what that word meant. We are still unsure of its proper usage.)

We cannot be separated as We are one in the same. We are life, love, emotions, frustrations, likes and dislikes, ethics, morality, etc. We are what makes us who We are...a Human.


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